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“SHE-WOLF OF THE PNAC (as told to Mike Crackpot)”
 Prolouge
My friend Chris, a journalist, told me he was assigned a cover story on Ann Coulter over drinks at Bandera’s. He was very conflicted about it.
“What’s the deal?” I asked.
“Well,” he replied, “she’s just – well, scary.”
“But good looking,” I added. His response was something like “People say that. They also ask if I would let her blow me.” So I had to ask what his answer was. Ready? “Only if she wore that leather outfit from She-Wolf of the SS.” Here’s what he told me about the assignment.
Day 1 – Golf Outing. Yeah, Ann came off the 18th hole, putter over her shoulder like a conquering sword of a crusader. We shook hands and she said hello. I was told I had two minutes at the clubhouse bar. In person, yes, she is good looking. And she just has something… “It,” maybe..? People who get somewhere just have “something” about them. And she certainly had that. What else should I tell you quickly? Here’s a quick glance.
Ann was raised in wealth and privilege in New Canaan, Conn. She started out as an Ivy-League educated legal writer (or was). She makes all of her money from writing and giving speeches. She was a Congressional staff member helping to write laws ten years ago. Her favorite person and hero is Ronald Reagan. There’s more but you can find the rest on Fox News.
At the bar she drank a club soda and I asked her bluntly, “If Politics is the Decoy of Perception, do you see yourself as one of the deceivers?”
“Meaning?” she said, one eyebrow raised.
 “Well, it seems a lot of people are making money writing books lately. A shitload of money. And most of them are writing pro or anti George W. Bush stuff. It’s like he changed the whole world of opinion, liberal or conservative, into rabid intensity.” She replied with a voice almost like silver bells – seriously.
“No. I’m not part of that. I don’t say anything for political reasons – that’s the left’s defense. I just believe we have a job to create a world in our image. Why do we say God Bless America? Because we are living the way people should. And our president gets that. And using force to do it is fine.”
“Isn’t that, well, inconsiderate of others?”
“Not if they would do the same to you if they could. And they would. Better you than me. It’s that simple.” And she finished her drink. I told her she made sense and was very charming – hey, I had two more days of this to endure.
II
 Today she was completing a book signing and making predictions about the Michael Jackson case. Afterwards, she was taking questions before going to see Star Wars. Not Lucas either, it was a documentary about George W. Bush breathing life into the Reagan missile-defense system. Each person was allowed one question. Since everyone else was bombing her with aplomb about her sometimes nasty and vile remarks, I took a new angle:
“Ann, I just want to know where you wanna go from here? You’re a best selling author, have a huge fan base, have made yourself a household name, and you’re one elegant and intellectual woman.” Everyone in the room gave me the look of death. “What do you really do for an encore?”
“Thanks for asking, Chris. Here’s the bomb: I’m considering an appointment as spokeswoman for the PNAC.”
III
Last day was simple. She was speaking at a PNAC meeting – members only – no press. Then she agreed to meet just me for some questions at the bar of the Four Seasons. Here’s the LD on the PNAC if you’re in the dark, while I finish this Black Russian and wait for Ms. Coulter.
PNAC stands for Project for a New American Century. You can check out the full unashamed details at www.newamericancentury.org without bias. They seem to offer a plan for world domination, dividing the earth up into spheres with plans to win global dominance. Some by money, some at gunpoint. And I thought Hitler would never blush in his grave... Scary thing is, many members are in the current administration --- Dick Cheney, Jeb Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz… They asked Clinton to attack Iraq in 1998, etc. Anyway, check it out. It’s Ann’s encore.
Well, there she was, all in white, the PNAC member uniform or something. It looked like she had a white hood folded over her Gucci bag but I couldn’t be sure. I asked her how it went and she was elated. Why?
“I got the job!”
“Congratulations. Can I get you a drink?”
“Sure. A light beer. Amstel.”
So we drank and I concluded my interview – last question: “Why the PNAC? What do you want people to know?”
“Simple. As I said before, something needs to be done about barbarians, infidels, and also, to be frank, the dumb masses. Every country out there wants to find a way to dominate and rule the world. Period. Now who do you want to do it? Do you really want someone besides the U.S. to dominate? I doubt it.”
What else could I say but, “I agree.” (We had total eye contact at that point – and it wasn’t alcohol.) “So, we should settle for the lesser evil then?” Anne:
“In hell, there is no other choice.”
“Brilliant.”
“You’ll print that?”
“Of course.” Then the real bomb:
“Would you like to come up? You won’t believe these suites…” She said that with a wink and finished her drink.
Epilogue
So I stood in her room looking out the window at a glimmering view of New York at night. She was getting out of her PNAC outfit, which she wasn’t too thrilled with. Then the bathroom door opened and there she was. Ann Coulter, in the hottest leather outfit I’d ever seen. Even the whip didn’t bother me. She cracked it with a piercing snap, and said, “Drop.”
***
And that’s it. The editor refused it, Chris told me. As we left the bar I had to ask, “Is it really true what they say about Ann?” His response:
“As God is my witness. And he must be looking down at me because my next assignment is Angelina Jolie.” I can’t wait for Chris’s report.
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