fiction+opinion=fact

MEDIA LIFE

by Karen

I’ll never be truly happy and satisfied in love and in life. Since I am a media studies graduate student, I frequently wonder whether I can blame my feelings on the media – because the life I have will never match what is on TV. I want to be half of a Sydney and Vaughn, Mulder and

Scully, Luke and Lorelai.  I want an interesting career and a never-ending supply of money and clothes.  I want to always say the right thing at the right time, and to be surrounded by interesting people who care about me.  But what if this doesn’t exist? Am I searching for something that I’ll never find?

No guy has ever been quite what I wanted – what I imagined for myself. And when they do match up, I fall hard, only to have my heart broken because they’re all wrong for me.  They turn out to be stupid, or weak, or alcoholics. And when I find a nice guy, he doesn’t quite fit either. No drive!  No ambition!  Too family-oriented! A nice midwestern boy? Nononono!  I want a man. I want him to be effortlessly sexy. Witty, courageous. I want him to know what his goals are. I don’t care if his goals are to find proof of alien life, or to run the perfect diner. But please, please, please have some ambition. The ability to shoot a gun wouldn’t hurt. Maybe some government clearance…?

No.  I’ll be realistic. I’m not asking for much here. I want a smart, sexy man, with goals and a sense of humor. Is that really asking too much?  Why am I only finding them on TV?

Maybe I’m watching too much TV.  Maybe I need to get out more. But I do get out, and I do look, and they aren’t there!!! Are my standards too high?  Am I looking right past a potential Seth Cohen, simply because I’m determined to find a sexy Dr. Ross/Martin s

Sydney and Vaugh from ”Alias.”.

Fitzgerald/Luke Danes? Perhaps in non-TV life I would overlook a Michael Bluth or Garrett Macy, and I only notice them on TV because I visit with them once a week, and I have insights into their psyches thanks to good writers. So what do I do? Who can ever measure up to my romantic, idealistic notions of how my life should be?

And who invented this “should” that’s in my head?  Family is part of it of course. I always hear my parents’ voices in my head – “He isn’t strong enough for you,” “He doesn’t have any interests besides you,” “You should have been a performer,” “You should get your hotel/ restaurant management degree,” “You should get out of the crazy entertainment business,” etc. - though I try desperately to ignore them.   But these people on TV- their lives are so much more complete than mine.  They have careers that they love, and are good at. They have plenty of friends. They never seem to be hurting for money. In the TV world there is an endless supply of people to date.  They have fabulous clothes. They’re smart and witty. I know, I know, grab the meds and get a grip - this is television, it’s not real.

Yet I wonder if it is. There must be people out there whose lives are like this.   Maybe I could be one of them if I just did something different. Maybe I should join the FBI. Or move to Vegas and become a crime technician.   Or maybe I should move to a small town and run an inn.  Or become a cruise director.   Would that make me happy?

Is success happiness?  For some reason, I think so. Then I turn around and wonder if I’ve given up what really matters in life – love and family and stability – because I’m on a quest for something that doesn’t exist. On TV it exists - I can be content in the knowledge that everything will work out. I want my happy ending!

Reality sucks. I’ll take TV any day. The only problem is when the show is over and I have to go back to my real life. And I’m not sure what my real life is. I don’t know if I like it. I know that I’m not satisfied, and no wonder – I’m looking for fiction.  The life I want doesn’t exist. So how can I reconcile that?  When you know you’re dream doesn’t exist, what’s next?  What do you do?

Hope that you’re wrong.