Greg Mills can also be read at the Bastard of Art and Commerce.
VO: Keith Richards. Gravelly, hoarse.
((SFX: Sounds like a dog whimpering))
Hello, I’m Keef Richards. You may know me as the legal guardian of Sir Mick Jagger’s stuffed corpse. Look for us on tour this summer. If you’re like me, human sex is long past dull. Every gaping maw starts looking the same, and choosing which one to penetrate in the writhing mountain of limbs and rubber goods one keeps handy in one’s sitting room gets to be just another chore, like pressing warm compresses to Ron Wood’s lumbago.
Just yesterday I was in a threesome with a sheet of A4 and Bridget Bardot. Did nofing for me, really. That’s why I’ve developed this – Keef Richard’s Flesh Sex Ball For Perverts. It’s a fleshy ball of multiple orifices grown in a lab and untouched by human hands, that is until you get your mitts on it. Heh. I’ve worked closely wif, uh, whatchacallit, SCIENTISTS in perfecting this delightful smorgasbord of grasping, undulating love.
((SFX: Sudden loud whine))
Hush, little one. Daddy’s talking.
Each of the 31 apertures has been carefully calibrated to a specific level of elasticity, moisture, and relative smooveness. Stick with an old favorite, or, keep things fresh by rolling your Keef Richard’s Flesh Sex Ball For Perverts and aim for wot’s on top.
Caring for your Keef Richard’s Flesh Sex Ball For Perverts is as easy as using it. The more you prong it, the healthier it gets. It feeds on you, if you see my point. And for years of pleasure, be sure to use Keef Richard’s Exclusive Flesh Sex Ball Douches to keep your genetically engineered playmate fresh as the day it was harvested.
((SFX: Suddenly the Whine is very insistent.))
Insatiable, aren’t you my lovely? Well, off I go, back to the work.
Remember, Keef Richard’s Flesh Sex Ball For Perverts. Ask for it at the shops.
Down, Carmela. Down girl. Let me get me truss off.