When it comes to  romance, there is a lot of crappy advice on these internets. While researching a romantic dinner recipe, I came across the following.

From NZGIRL (Is that short for Nazi Girl?)

ADVICE ON COOKING HIM A ROMANTIC DINNER

Despite the temptation to make a dish with a huge wow factor, you’re generally best to stick to what you know. Your beautiful self and the romantic atmosphere will impress him whether you serve oysters or spaghetti bolognaise, so don’t cause yourself too much stress – anything you’ll both enjoy is perfect!

Wrong.Wrong. Wrong.

Oysters are WAY too easy to fuck up. Don’t serve them unless you are trained professional or want something unexpected in your lap. Go with shrimp, steak for the veggie guy throw some veggies on the Foreman with BBQ spices (not sauce!). Spaghetti Bolognaise… my ass. Doesn’t matter what you call it, it says something “Chef Boyardee” about you.

From: EHOW . This one’s awesome, if your man is a lipstick lesbian

Instructions

• STEP 1: Plan a romantic dinner. Serve foods such as asparagus, oysters, caviar or other dishes believed to have aphrodisiac qualities
  
  AGAIN! Enough with the oysters.. Caviar is strictly for snobs and for people who decide what they like out of gourmet magazines. Serving caviar is the same as serving anchovies.  It tastes like shit. I like asparagus.. Give your man something that looks good. We are dazzled by presentation.
  .
• STEP 2: Create a romantic ambiance by arranging flowers, lighting candles and playing soft background music. Don't forget to dim the lights.

I only like soft background music at funerals. Cue the Prince, Coltrane, Davis or Coleman (the guy who gave Carrie Underwood the Grammy). Regarding “soft lighting” -- know the difference between soft and dark. You’re my girl, I want to see you.

• STEP 3: Use your best linens, china, silver and crystal.

I don’t know what any of these things are.

• STEP 4: Dress up. Wear something sexy but understated.

Sexy is always good, matching bra and panties at least.

• STEP 5: Take the phone off the hook and turn off cell phones and other distractions.

Good advice but impractical for women. Remember the phone call Paris Hilton took in the sex tape?

• STEP 6: Serve champagne with dinner and something decadently chocolate for dessert.

A man wants a cocktail. Give him a man’s drink, martini, manhattan, etc. Give him something to loosen his tie to. Think about it, what would George Clooney want?  Dessert should be served on the floor. Don’t go too heavy on the chocolate.. it’s make us go to sleep after.

• STEP 7: Continue the mood after dinner. Read love poems to each other, rent a romantic movie or put on some music and dance cheek-to-cheek.

Aaaaaahhhhh! There is nothing that will make a man more uncomfortable than listening to a poem written by you or, worse, someone else. . Movies are not a good idea to make us feel romantic. Do I really have to slave through “When Harry Met Sally” AGAIN?  “Casablanca” is good though, but we are thinking about killing Nazis at the end.  In any case, a movie is two hours long and can be a mood breaker. Dancing cheek-to-cheek? What is this, 1940?

• STEP 8: Take a bubble bath together. Light candles around the tub and drink champagne.
  
  I like the bubble bath idea. However, candles are impractical near the tub, someone’s pubes always get singed. Keep the candles at a distance, on the sink perhaps.  Again, champagne is not a man’s drink. Go with red wine at this point.
  
  
• STEP 9: Give each other a massage using oils (such as lavender) designed to heighten the romantic mood.

I don’t know what lavender smells like. You want to entice a man… replace “each other” with “him”

• STEP 10: Fill in the blanks, then fall asleep in each other's arms.

There should have been a blowjob somewhere is Step 10

AND NOW THE KING OF BAD ADVICE ON THE INTERNET:Vinny is SO SMOOVE. It hurts me to know these folks are out there. By the way, not even the dumbest girl is going to fall for the Chinese take-out on a plate bit.

From Romancepedia

THIRD DATE: Personalized Fortune Cookies...

Invite her to your place and order some Chinese take-out --then transfer all of that good Oriental cousine to some nice table dishes instead of serving it out of the cartons.

However, here is a very creative idea that is really going to get her attention...
1. Previous to her arrival, take two unwrapped fortune cookies and use a straight edge razor knife to carefully slit it open along the length of the cellophane wrapping.  Carefully remove the cookie without breaking it.
2. Use your computer WordPad program or whatever you have to make two small paper fortunes.  Here are the ones that I made....

Her Cookie
The secret of a happy life is to fall madly in
love with Vincent and want to spend every
moment of the rest of your life with him. 
My Cookie
The secret of a happy life is to admit to
her that you sabotaged her fortune
cookie, but did indeed mean well.

3. Use a tweezers to pull the fortunes out of the cookies and then carefully fold and push your personalized fortunes in to the cookies.  You won't be able to place it in just the way the original fortunes had been from end to end but, by folding them twice, you'll be able to get them in all the way.
4. Place each cookie back into their wrappings.  Place a piece of tape on the end of your cookie so that you can tell which one is yours later on.
5. After enjoying your dinner together, hand her the cookie with her fortune in it.  As you do, rip open the end and let her remove it.  Do the same with your cookie while she is opening her piece of paper to read her fortune.
Now, watch her face light up as she reads it.  Of course, she will catch on almost immediately but that one precious second of delight will produces laughs and smiles for a long time to come.  Once more, you will prove once again that you are the man who goes the extra mile for her.
That's not luck.  It's a foregone conclusion.

Jesus, people.

So here is my advice. Know the person. Know what they like. Cook what you know. Have fun. Put in some effort.  The greatest aphrodisiac is having a good time, not oysters. Laugh.   Play music you like. And most of all remember.. you are sexy. The most romantic times in my life have been unplanned. They have come from an off comment, a truly selfless act, a moment of spontaneity, something that cracks me up for no reason.

It has nothing to do with  Show Stopping numbers. It’s about the little things she does without even knowing it.

Oh and clip your toenails and wash your sheets. Chick dig that.

 TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed